THE HIDDEN VALUES OF TALKING TO YOURSELF

Breaking the Habit of Negative Self-Talk

One of the challenges of living alone is that you don’t have anyone to chat to at home during the course of the day. Whether it’s responding to the news, following a new recipe, solving a crossword puzzle, or watching football on TV, there’s no one to bounce ideas off of or offer advice. I solve that problem by talking to myself. And far from being branded as a lunatic as self-talkers once were, talking to oneself is apparently normal and healthy and, it turns out, good for you.

Researchers and medical experts say self-talk can be a good coping mechanism for living alone, reducing loneliness by creating a sense of presence. And that it can sharpen our cognitive skills: improving focus, concentration, visual processing and memory retention, and help us to think through problems logically. Self-talk, studies say, may also benefit us by instilling resilience, self-esteem, confidence and a more optimistic outlook that can help us overcome the myriad challenges of daily life. Talking to yourself can also reduce stress, anxiety, depression and improve our overall well-being by regulating our emotions. And self-talk is not just a passive inner dialogue. It actively influences your brain’s chemistry.

But it must be positive self-talk.

Dr. Barton Goldsmith, a psychotherapist based in Westlake Village, Ca., says, positive self-talk is a good coping mechanism for people living alone.

“If you combine visualization with positive talk, it’s a very powerful tool to keep you on the straight and narrow and on your couch fluffing up your pillows,” Goldsmith says. “You look around at what you’ve created...look at the comfort you’ve created and what your life has given you, and if you don’t judge yourself, you find that what you’ve created is not too shabby.”

Words have more weight when spoken aloud, experts say.

“When you hear (positive self-talk) auditorily it makes you feel more empowered,” Goldsmith says. “If you say to yourself, ‘Why didn’t you do that you’re so ...stupid,’ you’ve just bought yourself another two weeks of therapy. You can talk to yourself, of course, but talking out loud is just as easy and more effective.”

Dr. Gary Small, the director of Behavioral Health Breakthrough Therapies and professor of Psychiatry and Behavioral Health at Hackensack Meridian School of Medicine, says that when you say something out loud and articulate it, it takes it another step beyond just thinking it, making for a more concrete experience.

“There’s a physicality to it,” Small says. “In a way it sets it in stone or flesh. You’re not only the speaker but also the listener so it triggers many of the senses: auditory, motor, sensory. It has more meaning.”

“A lot of people default to negative self-talk—it’s a knee-jerk reaction,” Small adds. “If you hit your elbow, you might swear, and research shows that swearing and expressing anger can be helpful if it’s controlled. But you also must push yourself toward the positive….The key is not to dwell…. Focus instead on how you’re going to move forward in a positive direction.”

“People living alone talk to themselves a lot - and sometimes not very kindly,” says Tara Well, an associate professor of psychology at Barnard College of Columbia University, where she developed the mirror-based meditation, creating exercises to help people manage self-talk. In her book, Mirror Meditation: The Power of Neuroscience and Self-Reflection to Overcome Self-Criticism, Gain Confidence, and See Yourself with Compassion, https://www.amazon.com/Mirror-Meditation-Neuroscience-Self-Reflection-Self-Criticism/dp/1684039673/, she shares how she came upon this powerful therapeutic tool.

“One day I happened to glance at myself in the mirror. I looked really sad, and I realized that I wasn’t feeling well emotionally. So, I decided to start meditating in front of the mirror to check in with my feelings — it helped me become more self-aware. Sometimes when you’re not in a good mood, people don’t want to look at you or engage with you, and that can make it even harder to regulate your emotions. You feel abandoned...and that can make you angry. To increase self-awareness, you must confront yourself — look in the mirror - and really see how you’re feeling directly.”

Self-talk can even feel like genuine companionship, Well adds. “Facing yourself in the mirror and speaking kindly to your reflection activates the comforting social circuits of the brain, helping you feel less alone and more connected to your own inner presence when others are not around.”

An added appeal is that positive affirmations actively influence your brain’s chemistry. “You’re rewiring your brain by imprinting a positive where formerly there was a negative,” says Goldsmith.

Talking in front of the mirror has also been shown to support cognitive resilience, memory, and problem-solving, especially important for those aging alone,” Well says. “Mirror Meditation helps older adults remain mentally sharp and emotionally balanced by reinforcing positive attitudes and self-support during daily reflection.... There’s been a lot of research that positivity really does extend your life.”