THE BEAUTY OF EXPERIENCE

Aren't You Glad You're Older?

Sophie, 24, the daughter of my friend, Brenda, came to visit the other day. Brenda has a habit of sending her to me when Sophie is driving her crazy so that Sophie can drive me crazy, too.

    Sadly, Sophie’s in a relationship she shouldn’t be. Her current beau is older, sophisticated, and well-off. He has a fancy apartment in a fancy building and is an expert in Renaissance art. Sophie is doing her PhD in Renaissance art.  He’s very good looking and she gains cachet from her friends from dating him. But he denigrates her constantly and the least thing sends him into a towering rage. She tiptoes around him in fear but still rushes to cook his favorite meals and iron his expensive shirts.

    I try for what is the umpteenth time to counsel Sophie. “I think you should let this relationship go. You’re 24, love isn’t about being miserable, afraid, or crying from morning to night. Love enhances your life; it doesn’t shatter it - and you. Don’t waste any more time on this jerk.”

          Sophie’s thick blonde hair sways as she paces around my living room and says what she always says, “But I love him.”

      Do you remember when you said that? I do. And I wasn’t as young as Sophie.

     How happy I am in that moment that I’m old. How relieved I have gained a tiny sliver of wisdom so I can recognize narcissists 100 paces away and stay away.

     Poor confused, traumatized Sophie. She hasn’t gained wisdom through experience yet. But she will. Her own parents’ marriage is solid and loving so it’s not from a bad example that she’s seeking out or attracting the wrong kind of guy. It just takes time to figure out who the wrong guy is. And some aging.

       I find myself thinking of Sophie and her situation often, seeing a younger me in her. If I’d been wiser back then, I wouldn’t have had my heart shattered. I know better now.

     So, when people ask if there is anything good about getting old, I say “Yes!”

     I’m less troubled by what people think. I let things go more easily. If someone upsets me, I can brush it off and not take too much umbrage. I stay in the moment more, enjoying what’s here instead of thinking about what isn’t. I know my limits. And what I’m prepared to put up with. I am more relaxed generally, which makes life easier to navigate. If something or someone doesn’t come through, I just say, “Oh, well, their loss,” and carry on.

          I’m learning to live life on my own terms, and it feels good.

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Dear Friends: I’m taking a little time off and will be back with you in January. Happy Christmas to you all.